Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
