she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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