my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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