Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
