Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
