Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
she told me i tasted like america
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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