well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
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