I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
