I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
