I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
