So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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