Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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