i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
