I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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