Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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