Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it's like heaven, but drunker
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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