Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
