either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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