i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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