i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
