I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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