If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
