dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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