Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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