i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
