there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We left an ass print on the piano.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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