My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
