Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
