I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
