She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
