I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
