Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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