we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
