i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Randomize
