do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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