i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
