don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
