I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
