Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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