By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
