i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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