My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
