So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
