I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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