I wish I could teleport
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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