I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
last night I used snow as a chaser
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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