In the future we'll all be gay
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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