Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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