I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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