the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
pop tarts are not kleenex
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
