I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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