Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
