Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
