I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
